October was a horrible month, I almost can't handle everything in life.
I felt tired, restless and sick.
Studies and health had been deteriorating ever since I started my bachelors.
Not to mention my feelings and wellbeing had been extremely negative.
I even planned to stop pursuing my studies and just come out to work and earn money.
Money, the non living thing that empowers everything.
There's too much of arguments, sadness and literally everything negative.
Suicidal thoughts? Who haven't try that before?
I always have the thoughts, but then again...it's a stupid thing to do so I won't
Birth -> life -> illness -> death
Why try so hard and face these problems when it was death we are going to face in the end?
I used to ask myself this. And yes, I gave up in having hope for life.
Yes, I had been living in a much better environment if compared to those less fortunate and I felt really blessed about it.
But however, I'm not motivated to live happily.
Bf told me I had been really negative lately, cursing vulgars and easily annoyed whenever I drive and it wasn't good if this continues.
He ask me the meaning in life, I just told him there's not much meaning in life besides living and earning money.
He told me to live everyday and yes I did but without a direction.
He ask me about what are my hobbies and interest.
I thought long enough and came to know that I have NONE.
Then he ask what do I want to achieve in life.
Again I think, and there isn't anything that came into my mind besides travelling the world.
Then he asked me to make it as my direction.
Well this dream seem so distant. Afterall it is about money again.
I lost hope, dreams and motivation throughout all these negative times.
Friends told me I look pale lately without the glow I used to have. I just answered that I didn't get enough sleep while putting on a smiling mask and reassure them that I'm okay.
What am I? I can't even recognize myself.
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