My journey of battling depression

Well as per title, another note to self is to be POSITIVE!

Been like 9 months since I blogged and those old blog posts are depressing like hell lol.
With those negative and sad posts, suicidal ones as well, definitely got me deep in thoughts.
Anywayyyyyy, good news is that I'm finally back to my old normal being and I'm happy with that! :D

Depression and stress were such shit but human's have to shit through out life right?
Came to know that stress is inevitable and so is depression.
This whole 9 months was a roller coaster ride and full of ups and downs.
Studies and final year thesis ain't some easy pie either.

I learned that to overcome stress, there's so much ways!


1. Surround yourself with happy people! 

I'm blessed with friends that are such jokers and always made me smile. They are cheerful, funny and never fail to make me laugh :D I would like to thank my Facebook newsfeed as well for entertainment and jokes I laughed so hard to. Laughter is definitely the best medicine yo!


2. Always speak out your mind. 

Don't be afraid to share out your feelings. I am one that was so full of negative energy and many of my friends agreed that. Since then, I was so afraid to share out my negative feelings, complains and how bad I really felt. Why was I afraid? It's because I won't want them to be saying 

"Oh look, Eloise is complaining again"

"Don't think too much"

"Don't so negative, think positively"

 These are the common verses I heard and to be honest, I hated it and hated myself for it. I don't want to be a nuisance or an annoying mosquito bite that people are dreading to get rid of and hence, I kept it to myself. 

Everyone need someone to be there listening. Thank God that I have my bae with me, Mee Lai, Jackson and many others who tend to keep giving me encouragements and strong support to hold me back up again. I owe you guys!

3. Shop, shop, shop

I am one who had been running business online (my store was up on Zalora! Another achievement unlocked!). I was so busy earning money that I forgot how to spend it -_- I came to realize that shopping is indeed overwhelming. I have been shopping like mad last week both online and offline and I blame it on sales :/ Not something that I would be proud of but I definitely feel happier rewarding myself! After all these months of earning, I'm finally buying something for myself although its just a pair of RM6 slippers from Cotton On, RM15 organizer from Typo and whatnot. To work hard is to reward. 

4. Be happy of what you have

Sometimes I came upon sad posts of others on Facebook, people that were losing people that meant so much for them. I felt a pang on my face that people have much lesser of what I have and yet I'm thinking myself as the most pitiful person in the world. I did not appreciate what I have nor did I realize what I have. All I saw was some gloomy, dark space with me in it and I was there alone (Depression can really do some cruel shit -.-) I read a lot of these sad stories of others to remind myself that I'm way blessed (I mean no bad intentions okay). I even copy pasted those stuff on my stickypad so that I read it when I catch a glance of it to keep it in my head. 

These are just some examples that I could think of right now.
I was a person chasing for perfection and achievements in life, which in my case is money and studies. I neglected and sacrificed my happiness for it.

I was too busy planning for future but did not plan for tomorrow. A selfish bitch who thinks for myself and myself only. A bad tempered lady that shouldn't be categorized under lady too -_-
But I'm glad that all these happened in the past. What matters most is right now, I am constantly trying to change that negativity of mine and be a happier person.

It was the little things in life that matters most.

The things that you love doing, you found yourself doing it
The people you love so deeply saying "I love you"
The precious moments captured with your phone camera

How long did that take you to realize these beautiful things? It took me more than a year.
A year was a long time that I had wasted but a lesson for me too.
I'm glad that I'm being a happier person now, doing the things I like, travelling and so much more!

Life can always be better.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Love,
Eloise

No direction

Although I'm a psychology majored student, isn't it ironic that I do not know what is the fine line between depression and being emotional?

October was a horrible month, I almost can't handle everything in life.
I felt tired, restless and sick.
Studies and health had been deteriorating ever since I started my bachelors.
Not to mention my feelings and wellbeing had been extremely negative.
I even planned to stop pursuing my studies and just come out to work and earn money.
Money, the non living thing that empowers everything.


There's too much of arguments, sadness and literally everything negative.
Suicidal thoughts? Who haven't try that before?
I always have the thoughts, but then again...it's a stupid thing to do so I won't

Birth -> life -> illness -> death

Why try so hard and face these problems when it was death we are going to face in the end?
I used to ask myself this. And yes, I gave up in having hope for life.
Yes, I had been living in a much better environment if compared to those less fortunate and I felt really blessed about it.
But however, I'm not motivated to live happily.

Bf told me I had been really negative lately, cursing vulgars and easily annoyed whenever I drive and it wasn't good if this continues.
He ask me the meaning in life, I just told him there's not much meaning in life besides living and earning money.
He told me to live everyday and yes I did but without a direction.
He ask me about what are my hobbies and interest.
I thought long enough and came to know that I have NONE.
Then he ask what do I want to achieve in life.
Again I think, and there isn't anything that came into my mind besides travelling the world.
Then he asked me to make it as my direction.
Well this dream seem so distant. Afterall it is about money again.

I lost hope, dreams and motivation throughout all these negative times.
Friends told me I look pale lately without the glow I used to have. I just answered that I didn't get enough sleep while putting on a smiling mask and reassure them that I'm okay.
What am I? I can't even recognize myself.

Lost in KL

Yep, my title says it all.

9th May 2014, was a supposedly good day.
Had some minor argument with the boyfie so I decided to go out and meet Rabbit and Mee Lai to release some tension.

We decided to meet at Mid Valley around 3pm and it was my first time driving out at that distance.
So I told mum and she asked me to use Federal Highway and some flyover road which would be a U turn and lead me to MV. And she told me its the first flyover after passing by MV.

I was a little doubtful because usually my dad uses a normal U turn on the left side before passing MV and there's no flyovers used. I followed her instruction anyhow.

I left home at 2pm and used the flyover she mentioned. And holy shit, there's no U turns and only a straight highway which leads me to Damansara. So I passed by like 3 tolls and I saw Tropicana City Mall. I continued straight because there's no fking U turns and I reached TTDI.

Where the heck am I, I don't know. And at this time, Waze and GPS failed me badly because there's no signals. Then I was turning and looking for signboards there's nothing close to Bangsar. There's only Ipoh, Kuantan etc.

I was like okay keep calm, I can do this. I continued driving and reached some housing area. Had stopped by to ask for some pisang goreng seller for directions and they told me I'm in Bandar Utama now wtf. They weren't quite sure either how to go MV so I kept driving and driving till I reached another highway.

I continued straight and then Paradigm Mall was on my right. I knew I'm close to Kelana Jaya and hell yes, I was right cause I passed Kelana Jaya LRT station too. There's no other roads that lead me back to KL or Bangsar. All the signboards show Taylors, Sunway Pyramid.

And yes, I broke into tears as I'm all alone and don't know what to do. Then I kept driving and reached Petaling KTM station. I was like wtf I'm gonna park here and take KTM to MV instead. But after thinking on how to go back home at night, then I thought better not. I was leading to Petaling Jaya that time and I called my dad. He panicked as well because he don't know how to lead me back since I have no landmarks around me and I'm on a highway which I cannot stop. He asked me to look for petrol station nearby and ask help from taxis to lead me to Mid Valley and pay them.

Dad : Why you go follow mummy advice? You also know she's not good with roads.
Me  : She sounded macam yes and said she got more experience than me. Of course I followed
Dad : Next time if want ask for directions in KL, ask me not her


Not long later my mum called


Mum : You got lost ah? Where are you now?
Me    : I don't know where am I either
Mum : *heard me crying* hahahahaha you crying ah?
Me    : Thanks to your advice, I got lost
Mum : Hahah you also very naive, I say what you really follow
Me    : *DAFUQ* If not how?!

I was pissed.

Thank God I found Petronas and I asked the cashier how to go Mid Valley as there's no taxi at the time. And thank God again, there's this old Indian man who was paying for his snack told me to follow his car from the back because he's going to passby the highway which leads to Old Klang Road. He say will lead me to the road toward OKR and he will use another way to go to his destination. I put my trust in him and said thank you. We drove and he did lead me to the road towards OKR and signalling me that he have to go separate ways, I handsigned thank you to him again and I'm all on my own for another time.


It was a bad day. As I was going through the way, the road got separated into 2 and I'm in a dilemma on which to choose. In the end I chose the one that leads to National Stadium aka Bukit Jalil (I thought it will be near). And luckily I continued and saw Kinrara. Dad called me many times to ask me where am I and I said at Kinrara. He say I'm near to Mid Valley already and I was like yay THANK YOUUUU. I saw Old Klang Road signboard and continued


And shit happens, I followed the signboard to OKR and it lead me to another housing area and there's no further signboard on where Old Klang Road is nor Bangsar. I had to ask for directions again from those roadside food seller. In the end, a Malay courier guy helped to lead me yet again and we separated after because he's going another way. And I relied on my luck, follow by my instincts and managed to saw Bangsar signboard *tears of joy*

Bangsar LRT was on my right, so I made a U turn and managed to reach MV in no time *even more tears of joy* By the time I reached and found my parking, it was already raining heavily and it was 5.20pm which means I drove for more than 3 hours =.=  

Talked about my bad day to my friends and they're laughing hysterically.
Yep that's FRIENDS.

So when it was around 8 or 9 I decided to go home. But I am really afraid that I will lost again. Asked boyfie how to back and so ngam, he was in MV as well with his friend. He followed my car home and to be honest, I wasn't over yet with the argument earlier in the morning lol but I needed his help so I forget it.

And yep, got a surprise kiss and that definitely melted me away :P
My day was topped with cherry and I thought it ended.


HELL NEVER WAS I WRONG.
Got home and decide to bath after such long day. When closing the door, saw a stupid lizard on the wall, That scared the heck out of me since I hated lizards. =.=

K this is a long post.
GTG BB